Overcoming fear

I don’t think we really understand fear until we truly experience what it can do to us. For each of us fear is something different. Most people won’t even understand our fear.

Our adopted daughter is scared of needles. Very scared of needles. I never really understood this. During a Doctors visit Cass needed to give blood for testing. It took four of us to hold her down and to try and calm her to allow the doctor the get the needle into her vein. Roughly twenty minutes after the doctor removed the needle from her, she was still crying and hyperventilating. It made no sense to me that someone can be that scared of needles.

Then it was my turn to experience true fear. In order to promote the parenting talks that I do, flyers had to be handed out to promote my latest talk. We were targeting a new area, and we had to make the residents aware of the talk. I decided that I would go out there and hand out the flyers. I mean, how difficult can it be? Custom banner stands were put together to … the motorist’s interest as they drove up to me, increasing the possibility of them taking a flyer. This was a really exciting activity. Or so i thought.

The first morning that I had to hand out the flyers, I drove past the point twice and then went home. I could not park the car to get out and distribute the flyers! It was almost like a paralysing fear. On day two, I parked the car but could not get out. Cass had to physically pull me out of the car! I was dumbfounded and intrigued by this. And very angry and disappointed in myself. How can a grown man be so scared of giving out flyers?

This could not be left there. This is what I know about fear:

1. It is only true in our own minds
2. 99% of what we fear never happens
3. Fear is only a thought of an event that we think could possibly hurt us
4. Fear is an internal process that prevents us from getting hurt – but most of the times this ‘hurt’ is just a false idea created in our minds
5. The only way to overcome your fears is to face it
6. We project our internal fears onto the people in the outside world, and make that the truth. The truth is, those people have no idea about our fear. It only exists internally!

Yet, I could not conquer this. One of my coaching friends, Neshika Bell, agreed to help out. She started asking me a simple question: and what if it is true? What then?

Here is my fear: If I stand at a robot (traffic light) and hand out flyers, the motorists will think that I am a loser and a beggar needing their pity.

The truth behind the fear: As a child I was told never to be loud, out there and noisy. Children were seen and not heard. Sound familiar? “Do not embarrass us!”. For me to stand at a robot and hand out flyers, would mean that I am a failure at life, and that would be an embarrassment to my parents.

One of the filters that I live my life by, is to ensure I do nothing that could possibly embarrass my parents. Now that I know this, I can work with it. I can make friends with my fear; invite it in. This does not mean it will just go away. It makes it easier to understand.

The truth is, most of the motorists are so occupied with their own lives, they don’t even think about me. They have challenges of their own: a problem at work, a sick child, anxious about a meeting, relationship problems etc. Whatever they are thinking has no reference to my fear.

We create our own fears out of life lessons, warnings from family and friends, the news and our environment. 99% of these fears aren’t true. It is just our way of preventing us from experiencing possible pain. This is not only physical pain, but also emotional pain.

Are we guaranteed that if this fear becomes reality that we will experience pain? NO! We might actually have fun!

And me? Yes, I ended up distributing the flyers. It was extremely difficult but I did it. Was I in any way harmed? No. Did people RSVP to attend the talk? Hell yes! I see no pain there.

Go out. Confront your fears. You might just be surprised at the results that you get.

To find out more about me, go to: www.leonfourie.com.

That thing called Parenting

How good are we really as parents? Do we really know what we are doing?

The day we become parents (give birth), we suddenly become experts. We also very soon notice that our own parents treat our children very different to what they have treated us. Now why is that? Easy, they have finally completed their doctorate, and they know what parenting is about! Took them a while though, hey?

As a surgeon, you study for a couple of years, then they shove you into a community hospital where you get to practice what you have studied on real people, but ALWAYS with the supervision of one or more experienced doctors around you. You don’t get set free until you have proven to be proficient in what you do. A couple of hundred times!

We become parents, and within three to four days they let us loose on the world out there. Grandparents get to meet the new family member, and they do everything opposite to what they did with us. We get upset, and tell them to leave us to raise our children the way we know is best. Guess what, that way is the same way we were brought up. Our parents once were in our shoes. It is through making mistakes and gaining experience that our parents realise that what they initially did as parents might not have been the best way.

Yes, I know. Just look at you. You have turned out fine. Really?

We have on average 60,000 thoughts a day. That is roughly about 55 different thoughts a minute during our waking hours. How many of those thoughts are constructive? How many of those thoughts serve us? Where do these thoughts come from? Our first ‘view of the world’, hence our first thoughts and our initial pattern of thinking is created about 3 months prior to birth. After birth, our first three years of life is crucial to the way we will view the world for the rest of our lives. Most parents use the first 18 years of their children’s lives to learn how to be parents.

Have you really turned out to be the best you can be? Does this mean you can sit back and blame your parents for where and what you are? NO! Different discussion for a different day.

We instill our fears and our behaviour on our children. Even before they are born. Is there a different way? What if your parents are right? What if their way is better? I am not saying let go of everything, throwing all your rules and boundaries out the window. Sometimes, maybe they might have a point. Listen to them. They have spent a lifetime learning from their mistakes. Don’t repeat them – use their experience to improve the future of your children.

You think having an MBA is impressive. How about a lifetime of experiences? No university can provide you with that. But your parents can. Let them help you!

Yes, there are other sources of information as well. But start with what is right there in front of you, and then build on that. Sometimes trying something different can make a world of difference!

As I said, not everything they do might be right.

There is no manual. There are however some guidelines available. Use them and adapt them. Practice makes perfect. Doing the same thing and expecting a change will not get you anywhere.

If you want to find out more, have a look at www.leonfourie.com.

Trust – Yours or Mine?

What is trust really?  What does it mean when someone ‘breaks’ your trust? Let’s look at the definition of the word trust: Trust is ‘a firm BELIEF in the ability of someone else’ to perform a certain action.  That is just it: it is YOUR belief in someone else’s ability – and I can bet you that your belief might not be the same as theirs!  Trust is therefore YOUR expectation of someone to do something in the way YOU want it done.  If they don’t, they have broken your trust!  Really? What did they ‘break’?  Not much actually.  They did not do it your way.  Or not at all, as they did not UNDERSTAND your way.  We are quick to judge someone on breaking the trust.  Do you however take the time to understand why they broke the trust? If trust is the completion of an activity based on your belief, did you communicate this clearly?  Does the recipient of your message understand exactly what it is that you want, or do you expect them to know what it is that you want, without you telling them? That is just the thing about beliefs.  It is unique to every person.  Our beliefs are made up of our own version of our experiences that we have from before birth until today, mixed with a sprinkling of our emotions.  Everyone of us has a very unique version of the truth of our lives.  We can’t expect those around us to have a clear understanding of our beliefs.  In the same way as you won’t have an understanding of their beliefs. The next time you pull out the Trust playing card, first make sure that you and the recipient of the message were clear on your expectations.  How do you do this?  You communicate.  Here’s a new rule for you:  Whenever you communicate to someone and they did not understand you, it is you.  It is your responsibility to ensure that the message was conveyed properly.  Not theirs.  Ask them what their understanding of the agreement is.  And if they still didn’t deliver on the request even after understanding exactly what it is that you expected from them?  Did they then break your trust?  Maybe not in their minds.  There could be something deeper there.  But I’ll leave that as a separate topic. Just think of this – Trust might end up being used as an excuse the blame someone else for a underlying challenge within ourselves.  So, to whom does trust really belong to? You or me?

(Wo)Man vs Woman

There is inequality happening all over this world.  Whether it is based on race, religion, nationality or sexual orientation.  It is very visible – just look at the different wars raging all over this planet of ours.

The biggest of these inequalities?  One where there is no war.  One that is not very often spoken about?  Where the suppression has been ongoing for thousands of years?  The gender war.

Men are allowed to have more than one wife.  Men make the better leader, the better manager.  In certain religions men get to eat first.  We are the stronger species.  But are we?

In leadership, we have been taught that it is the selfish person, the one that is emotionally unattached that makes the better leader.  Think again – look at the qualities of some of the most successful people.  The leader that stands out is the one with the best interpersonal relations.  The one that puts his team first.  Dare I say the one that shows emotional connections to everyone around them.  Almost like being a mother then, hey?

Men do have a bigger brain, and they are physically stronger – when it comes to opening up jars etc.  A gorilla is stronger than any man.  Does that make gorillas better than a man?

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not dissing men – I am one myself.  Very much so.  I am questioning the suppression of the female gender to live a life equal to that of men.

Let’s look at the science behind it.  It all starts with the X and Y chromosomes.  The basic setting of any embrio is to become female.  Two X chromosomes makes you a female.  X and Y makes you male.  The Y chromosome must be donated by man.  The X chromosome consists of 1,500 genes,  and they Y?  Only 100 genes.  This is reducing at a rate of 5 every one million years for the Y chromosome.  There is no reduction in the X chromosome.  All you need to differentiate between men and women are those 100 genes.  We still use the rest of the 1,400 X genes to make us male.  What is more interesting is that during brain development, it is the X chromosome that produces most of the protein that assist with the creation of the brain.  The X chromosome defines they way we think.  Ever been told that you think like a girl!

Men, we are more female than we think!

But then why the suppression? Because we fear it!  We are afraid of being ruled by the true superior gender.  We use our physical power to take over control. Let’s face it – how has this worked out in history?  The minority suppressing the majority ring any bells?

 

Bad Managers, Marketing and a Taxi

Most of my thinking happens when I’m out riding my bicycle.  It happened again today.  And it followed the strangest pattern – but with great results.  Bear with me while you read further, it all comes together at the end.

Bad managers create bad employees.  We all want to be like our managers … don’t we?

Every human being has the desire to fit in, to be accepted, to be part of a group.  What do we do to fit in?  We mirror those that we report to, in order for them to like us.  It is nature.  Take a baby that is 36 minutes old.  Yes, minutes.  Stick your tongue out.  What happens?  The young baby returns the favour.  You think it is cute!  Sorry, it is called survival.

It is in our DNA – any baby knows that in order for her basic needs to be addressed, like safety, food, shelter, drink and warmth, she needs someone to look after her.  And for someone to look after her, that someone has to like her – or more correctly, accept her into the group.  What do we do to get people to accept us?  We follow their example – we mirror them.  If we do what they do, they will accept us, they will like us.  They will look after us.  We become them ….

Bring me a rude, obnoxious and self-centred employee, and 80% of the time, I will show you a rude, obnoxious and self-centred manager.  Bring me a whole department of rude, obnoxious and self-centred employees, and I will guarantee you this is a mirror of their manager.  Ever found yourself in a situation where you dread going into a meeting with a specific team or member/s from a team?  Is it because they show the above characteristics?  Remember: they are just trying to survive and grow in the company.  They are just the messengers.  Good people do bad things because they are hurting.  Hurt can be shown in funny ways.

That was my initial train of thought while out riding.  And then I got completely distracted.

There was a taxi driving around in a very quiet part of Johannesburg.  For those of you familiar with the area, it was out in the Cradle of Human Kind.  There is not a lot of traffic there.  Yet, he was driving around, picking up the odd traveler, and taking them to their requested destination.  Stemming from my love of anything with an engine in it, I roughly calculated that he could not be making much money during this period based on the vehicle’s fuel consumption, volume of customers and his rate.  Surely it will be more profitable to park the vehicle, and wait for peak traffic time to optimise income.  Then it struck me.  Even the taxi drivers know the secret to marketing their product – always be there for your customers, especially when they least expect it.  Treat them like they own a part of the company.

Customers don’t want a fly by night service – they want a relationship.  They want to know you are there for them, whenever they need you.  That is exactly what this driver was doing.  He was there for them.  Profits might not be as high, sometimes there might not even be a profit.  But who do you think these customers will trust to transport them when peak hour comes?  They guy that is always there for them, or the unknown taxi?

Customers want to feel that they are part of your business.  They want to know you, they want to be treated like friends, not like a walking wallet.  And how do we as businesses provide this service?  By allowing our customers to talk to us – whenever they want to.  Technology has given us a lot of opportunities – if they are used correctly.

Social Media is the best example of an opportunity to constantly be in contact with your customers.  That is why it is called “Social” media.  Be careful though.  It is not called “Marketing Media”.  People that are on social media aren’t there to spend money.  It is not an online market place.  It is a social gathering point to get FREE information.  The place where you can go to GET information, share your frustration, and get some advice.  Try and sell them something, and you’ll be ‘unliked’ in the blink of an eye.  Just ask NIKE how much money they believe they’ve lost doing marketing on social media platforms.  If you want to sell go to Amazon.

Follow the example of the taxi driver.  Be there for your customers – be social.  Listen to them, help them.  Answer them like you would answer a board member.  Your product is not your income, your customers are.  Their loyalty guarantees your survival.

What happened to the bad manager?  Did we lose hime somewhere next to the road?  Not really.

Every time I go to a restaurant it is not the manager or owner that determines whether I will go back to the restaurant.  It is the service I get from the person taking my order, and ensuring that my order is provided as I requested it.  If he was under the influence of a bad manager, would I go back there again?  Your employees are the ones that project the image of your corporation.  They are the ones out there advertising you.

If your customer loyalty is driven by your ability to build up a relationship with your customers, what impact will a ‘bad’ team have on your customer relations?  Will they treat your customers as a wallet, or as a part of your company?

Also, not all customers sit outside your company either.

Within a corporation, each department becomes the customer of the other.  Can you afford to have a bad manager driving one of these departments?

Leadership in conjunction with the Human Brain – the edge you need to survive!

Corporate Event

Dan Skinstad & Leon Fourie

Human Nature … with a twist

As you might know by now, I love people. Or more precisely, people’s behaviour, motivations and beliefs. Add to that my knowledge of the human brain, a bit of psychology and my experience, and it gets even more intriguing.

I do talks to a great variety of people; corporate institutions, parents and teachers. The information provided is to assist them in bettering their lives, work environments and relationships with their children and everyone else they come in contact with.

There I was, sharing a snippet of my approach towards punishment. Not the whole story, just an example of how to be creative with punishment, in stead of physically attacking your children. The conversation only relayed about 10% of my point of view regarding punishment. My statement referred to me possibly removing my daughter’s bedroom door, should she ever decide to slam the door in anger.

A few days later I received a communication from a friend, stating that he heard that I follow a very militaristic approach to parenting, and that I should rather parent from a point of love. Ahhh … and in walks human nature.

Our brains are designed to provide us with a complete picture. It doesn’t like 60%, or 80%, or even 98%. And how is that void filled to create the full picture? We insert the rest of the information based on our experience – what we believe, what we have experienced, and our current emotional state. In that instance, I was turned into a modern day version of a concentration camp warden.

Let’s take a step or two back. Our minds re-writes long-term memories every time we recall a ‘saved’ memory or experience. Thcess. The recalled information is treated as a brand new memory, updated with our current beliefs and emotional state, and stored in the same location as an updated version of the old memory. Thing is, these long-term memories are only partial memories of the event, and the brain then kicks off a process to ‘create’ the full picture again. It takes pieces of the memory, finds similar stored events, and link these to create a whole. Ever had an argument about something that happened 10 years ago and the two of you have different memories of what happened? Well, there is your answer!!

Then there is the process of listening. The minute we think of an answer, in stead of waiting for the person to finish their sentence, we stop listening. Human nature … again! We are so focused on finding solutions and moving on to the next challenge, that we do not pay full attention to the information around us. We take in the first 20% of the conversation, and then get stuck in our own minds of how to resolve the challenge. How often do you not finish the sentence of someone talking to you? Are you really listening, or already doing more thinking than hearing to finish the sentence?

My 10% of an example, became someone else’s 100% of the truth about a given situation. Not my truth, but theirs based on their brain’s ability and need to resolve what they have heard and to create a full picture only using a sample of information.

I love people. I have just been given another ‘research example’ of how we listen and create our truths by using our beliefs, motivations and behaviour. Behaviour is what we learn from – they become our real-world examples of how the world should be. Only, is this true about the world if we only sample a quarter of the information available to us?

As for parenting – we parent with a proper mix of love and empathy as the foundation.

What kids want

Do we really know what makes our children happy?

What makes your kid tick?  What puts a true smile on their face?

Let’s look at it from a completely different perspective.  As a youngster, there was no such thing as ADD or any of the many acronyms used to describe the children of today.  I was just a young person that struggled to focus on any specific thing for very long.

I was excellent at starting off big or small projects, but lost interest very quickly.  There was always something better to chase after.  Something different that would make me happy.

And this kept on happening even as I grew up.  There was always a better car to drive, a bigger house to buy.  As soon as I had what I was chasing after, I started looking for something new.  That happened immediately, not after a few months or weeks!

It took some time for me to discover the relevance of this.  During consultation sessions with parents and by looking inside myself for some answers it became clear.

Children are constantly seeking for the one thing that will make them happy.  It is called LOVE.  We (yeah, somewhere deep in there I am still a child) are continuously looking for the ‘thing’ that will give us the love we so desperately seek.  And we look for it in everything: our work, our belongings, our success.  Unfortunately, this can only be found in one place.  Our parents.  But as parents, we forgot this.  We then do the same with our kids as what we do for ourselves – we give them ‘things’ instead of love.  Most of our time is spent doing what is needed to afford these ‘things’, instead of spending our time on the thing that will give us all what we are looking for.  Our kids don’t care about our money.  They care about us.

I don’t have ADD – I just don’t have love.  And I will spend my life savings searching for that which will give me the love I so desperately need.  Thing is, I will not find it in any shop or new career or online store.

Our children will end up being the same.  Why?  As a youngster, we tend to mimic the behaviour of the people that we look up to.  Our DNA has taught us that to be safe, to be fed and to be loved, we need to be accepted into a group.  The best way to be accepted is to do exactly as they do, cause that should make them happy and like us.

What examples of love are you setting?  Have you used ‘things’ to indicate love?  How about using you?

Heroes

Who are the real heroes?

I am confused.  A minister drives up from the Northern Cape to pray with Oscar, because he is a hero.  He tells the world that we must see Oscar for the hero he is, and not that which he has done.  He also preaches that we don’t see the 99% of good people do, only the 1% of bad.

What about the single mom with the 2 kids, that still manages to feed and clothe them, send them to school and sometimes even university.  What about the man that leaves his job, moves to another country to go feed people, provide them with medical assistance and teach them?

Are we so blind that we can’t see the real heroes of our world?

We live off the success of other people, giving them our money, so they can live the good life.  And we turn them into heroes for overcoming their own challenges in life.  Why not live off our own successes?

Who are the true heroes here?  The ones that live for the limelight, or the ones that lift other people up into the limelight of life?

A true hero never hurts anyone to get to where he wants to be, or to make him feel superior.  True heroes are the ones that sacrifice themselves for the good of other people.  They never for one second believe that they are above other people.

This is not a lashing at the fallen heroes … this is a lashing at the people that put them there.  The ones that create the Heroes who become their idols … their gods.

Maybe, deep down, this is another of life’s lessons …

When does leadership end?

In my view, the role of a leader is to inspire people to reach their highest potential.  And by inspire I mean ‘INSPIRE’.  Not manage by fear, or micro-management, or any other method of enforcing your idea onto the team.  Inspire means to allow people to reach their own greatness by finding the path themselves.  How does a leader do this?  By setting the right example.  By treating people the way they want to be treated.

Most of the time, just by being the person in a leadership role, people will by default mirror your actions, and accept your point of view as the truth.  But there is more that a leader can do.  People love being praised for what they do – even if it is something insignificant to you.  It wasn’t to them; otherwise they would not take the time to do it.  People want to feel important – they want to know that they belong to a group.  It is the responsibility of a leader to make people feel welcome and wanted.

What if they don’t follow your lead?  You treat them with respect, give them praise for what they do and are always there to help them overcome obstacles, yet they are disrespectful towards you.  They expect you to bend the rules of engagement, to treat them different to other employees.  They believe that the world owes them … well … the world!  And that they don’t have to do anything to get this … no action is required from their side.  When do you stop being the good guy?

The answer: NEVER.  You lead by integrity; you never deviate from your rules of engagement.

You cannot be everything to everyone.  You can just be the greatest YOU that you can be.

Somehow, life has a way of giving you that which you ask for.  Treat people with love and respect, and this is the team that you will get.  Most of the time.  When you don’t, that is the instance when life wants to teach you a lesson: look at what there is to learn from this individual.  He won’t be around for too long.  Unless you don’t sit up and notice what it is that life is trying to teach you.

If you keep your integrity, learn from the opportunities presented to you and stay true to yourself, these individuals will go somewhere where they are needed by life.

You cannot save everyone … only those that want to be saved.

When does true leadership end?  NEVER!